I was 14 when I began worrying about men,
about getting sexually assaulted or raped.
Because it happens to 97% of women, so
it’s only a matter of time before it happens to me too.
I was 14 when I entered high school
and a girl got high off of someone else’s vape,
and she screamed in the hallway and I thought
it was a school shooting, and I prepared myself to die.
I was 14 when my boyfriend broke up with me
for a girl who would have sex with him,
and he thought it’d be cool to talk about me
both behind my back and to my face.
I was 13 when I slept over my Tio Pito’s house
and he got drunk and his wife got drunk
and I realized I was the oldest sober person
in a house with 4 other kids.
I was 13 when I watched my uncle curse out my 10-year-old cousin
because he bumped into him while playing with my brother
and 13 when I forced myself to be okay
with the fact that I was responsible for 2 toddlers.
I was 13 when my uncle Luis promised me
he wouldn’t get drunk too, and 13 when I watched him get drunk anyways
and I was left all alone.
13 when he whispered me an apology late at night.
13 when I had to be the adult
in a house full of them,
because I didn’t want my brother to panic
should he know they were all drunk.
I was 13 when I made the mistake
of asking my uncle the wrong question,
and he “explained” to me
there were only two genders.
I was 13 when COVID hit and at first
2 weeks off school sounded fun,
until 2 weeks stretched into 2 months and then
2 years and then it wasn’t really fun anymore.
I was 12 when I would go the bathroom
and find the high schoolers there smoking
And I’d hold my breath because
I was deathly afraid of lung cancer.
I was 12 when I decided I never wanted
to have sex or give birth to kids
Because I never wanted anything
going in or coming out of me.
I was 9 when I stood in the back of the line,
for the 5th year in a row,
all because my last name was at the end
of the alphabet.
I was 8 when my Lelo passed away
and I went to my first funeral,
and I saw him in the coffin and cried,
and gave him a kiss for the last time.
I was 8 when I was told my teacher for the upcoming year
would be “good for me”, because she was strict.
When people told me she’d be good for my “attitude”,
and that she’d finally challenge me academically.
I was 7 when I realized my grandmother didn’t
like me, and that she probably never would.
I was 7 when she’d yell at me in Spanish
because she knew I didn’t understand her.
I was 7 when I let my grandmother’s cat
scratch my ankles so my brother could
use the bathroom without
crying from fear.
I was 7 when my Lela was in the hospital
for heart issues, and we’d visit and I’d ignore her
to watch my cousin play Dragon City and
The last time I saw her I didn’t say goodbye,
and then she died.
I was 7 when my Lela passed away
and I cried for hours
And my mom told me I couldn’t go to the funeral,
because I was “too young”.
I was 6 when my grandmother shook the fork in my mouth
because I accidentally bit it when she fed me,
and 6 when she stopped spoon-feeding me to feed
my brother instead.
I was 5 when I had a stomach bug so bad
I could only sit in the kitchen, since it had tile.
My dad gave me Oreos and
I threw up all over the floor.
I was 5 when I was always told
that I had a disrespectful attitude.
To be fair, I probably did,
But no one told me what to change.
I was 5 when I learned how to count to 100 in Spanish,
and I excitedly told my mother over and over.
When my dad got home, I asked if I could show him
and he yelled at me that nobody cared.